You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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