My underwear smells like fireworks.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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