Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize