so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
