The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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