I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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