On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
whose parrot is this?
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
