Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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