One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
