It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
