Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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