please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
