my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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