Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
