remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
