I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
