you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
