tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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