dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
one might say we're banned from that church
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I need water and some morals
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
