Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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