Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i love accidental penises.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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