Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
