considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
That was an excessively violent trivia night
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
