What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
