You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
