I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Floor bacon is actually really good
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
