The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
