I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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