I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
