Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
