Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Sponge bath it is.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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