Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
