i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
