I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
