This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
