Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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