i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Randomize
