i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
