Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Sorry about my life...
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
