She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
