dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
