I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
