I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Fuck appropriateness.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
