Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
