from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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