so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
