Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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