Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
