Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
