How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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