I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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