If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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