Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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