What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
