I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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