We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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