i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
