Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize